Skill: Self-Care

The Skill That Changes Everything (Even When Nothing Else Does)

I remember standing in the kitchen, absolutely furious. Andrew had just announced he was going for a run.

Normally that sentence wouldn't be particularly offensive. But in that moment, it felt outrageous. The house was a mess. There were dishes in the sink. The washing wasn't done. I was exhausted, and I couldn't remember the last time I had done anything purely for myself. Yet somehow, he was putting on his running shoes and heading out the door.

As he tied his laces, I remember thinking, Must be nice.

Not my finest moment.

At the time, I genuinely believed the problem was that Andrew was prioritising himself while I was carrying everything. Looking back now, I can see something very different. The problem wasn't that Andrew was taking care of himself. The problem was that I wasn't taking care of myself.

For years, I treated self-care like a reward. Something I could enjoy once everything else was done. The trouble was that everything else was never done. There was always another load of washing, another meal to cook, another email to answer, another thing to organise. Self-care sat at the bottom of the list, and more often than not, it never happened at all.

What made it even stranger was that I still thought of myself as someone who valued wellbeing. I considered myself a runner. Someone who loved being outdoors. Someone who enjoyed movement and adventure. Then one day I took an honest look at my life and realised I wasn't actually doing any of those things.

I was reminded of something a woman once said on a coaching call.

"I'm a swimmer who doesn't swim."

We all laughed because it was so relatable.

How many of us have become swimmers who don't swim? Women who love painting but never paint. Women who love reading but never read. Women who love dancing but haven't danced in years. Women who know exactly what lights them up but somehow never make time for it.

Somewhere along the way, we become so focused on caring for everyone else that we disappear from our own lives.

That was certainly true for me.

I spent years believing that if I could just get more help, more support, more appreciation or more understanding, I would feel better. What I didn't realise was that I was quietly placing an enormous amount of responsibility for my happiness on Andrew.

I wasn't doing it consciously. But every time I ignored my own needs, every time I put myself last, every time I convinced myself there wasn't enough time, I was creating a gap. Then I found myself wishing somebody else would fill it.

That's a heavy burden for anyone to carry.

The shift began when I started taking responsibility for my own happiness. Not in a harsh, pull-yourself-together kind of way. More in a loving, self-honouring way.

I started asking myself simple questions. What do I need today? What would feel nourishing? What would make me feel more like myself?

Sometimes the answer was a walk. Sometimes it was reading a book. Sometimes it was meeting a friend for coffee. Sometimes it was simply leaving the dishes until tomorrow.

And slowly, something began to change.

I became lighter. More playful. More patient. More appreciative.

Life didn't suddenly become easier. The kids were still kids. The house still got messy. Andrew was still Andrew. But my experience of life changed.

I often say that your influence begins with your energy, and nowhere is that more obvious than with self-care.

When I'm running on empty, everything feels harder. Small annoyances become big problems. I have less patience, less perspective and less capacity. The dishes bother me. The mess bothers me. The way Andrew loads the dishwasher bothers me.

When I'm well cared for, those same things barely register. I have more capacity. More perspective. More generosity.

The circumstances haven't changed.

I have.

And that changes everything.

One of the biggest misconceptions about self-care is that it's selfish. I don't believe that at all. In fact, I think it's one of the most generous things we can do.

Because the people we love don't get the exhausted, resentful, overwhelmed version of us.

They get the woman who laughs more. The woman who has energy to give because she has taken the time to replenish herself. The woman who feels alive.

If I could only teach one of The 6 Intimacy Skills™, it would probably be self-care.

Not because it's the most exciting. Not because it's the easiest.

But because every other skill becomes easier when you're well cared for.

And everything becomes harder when you're running on empty.

Journal Prompts

• What activities make me feel most like myself?

• What parts of me have I neglected recently?

• Where have I been waiting for someone else to make me happy?

• What would self-care look like if it wasn't selfish?

• What is one thing I can do this week that would genuinely fill me up?

Ready to Go Beyond Reading About the Skills?

Learning about The 6 Intimacy Skills™ is powerful. Living them is where everything changes.

If you're ready to stop trying to figure it all out on your own and want support applying these concepts to your real relationship, Love Unlocked is my coaching program for women who want to heal the disconnect, bring back the spark, and create lasting change from the inside out.

Learn More About Love Unlocked

And if you're not sure where to start, book a call and we'll talk about what's happening in your relationship, what you're longing for, and whether these skills could help.

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With love,

Kayla