Faith over Fear: what I learnt from an experience with orgasm
Here is the amazingly incredible story from client “Hannah”.
Skill: Relinquishing Control
Tool: Faith Over Fear
This story is about how Hannah's experience with orgasm. It taught me a lot about how fear can get in the way and what is possible if we can overcome it!
Hannah was in a loving relationship and enjoyed a healthy and fun sex life. However, she had not been able to achieve orgasm. Despite her exploration with men, and with herself, it hadn't happened.
Hannah felt like the only one in the world who wasn't having orgasms. It felt like all her friends could get there, and even in multiple ways. It felt like her boyfriend's past girlfriends had got there too. Yet here she was; stuck wondering what it would feel like to have one. They sounded so magical and so common! She even wondered whether perhaps she had in fact had one…had she just missed it? People always said to her “you'll know when you've had one”, so she was pretty sure that wasn't the case.
The disappointments often turned into resentment towards her friends and partner. She also started to fear that he was comparing her to past lovers. Was sex with her less fun because she couldn’t climax?
Sometimes Hannah would find it easy to blame her partner. She would build stories in her head about him not making enough effort with her. If he would just do ‘this’ or ‘that’, maybe she would get there?
Feeling frustrated and grasping for control, she sometimes picked arguments with her partner. There was one in particular which she deeply regretted. They ended up screaming at each other in the car “you make no effort! Don’t you know I need more foreplay?”. “It’s not my fault you’re broken,” he responded. Ouch. This tore Hannah down even more. She knew how important emotional safety was . She feared that this comment would prevent her ever getting there.
Hannah was so disheartened and so convinced that orgasms weren't for her that she stopped trying altogether. She focused on her partner's pleasure during physical intimacy instead. She found it hard to receive, thinking ‘what’s the point’. Self pleasure was on the ‘waste of time’ list as well. It felt like a dead end.
Hannah got sick of going into physical intimacy ‘knowing’ that she wasn’t going to get there. Every time she and her partner were intimate, the story in her head would start up, “I’m not going to orgasm” - and she wouldn’t. She needed to do something and started to consider that maybe there was something physically wrong with her…perhaps she was just ‘broken’!?.
Wouldn’t that be easy. If she was physically broken, it could be fixed (emotional fixing seemed much harder!). She wondered about booking an appointment with the doctor. Would that mean she would get a diagnosis and get some kind of treatment? She started to have hope that going to the doctor would fix her problem. It was a scary thought as orgasms are a vulnerable subject and her doctor was a male. Craving the intimacy with her partner and armed with her strong desire to end the fear about never experiencing an orgasm in her life - she made the call.
Her appointment was one week away. She felt such relief to have it booked. The thought was planted in her mind - “next Wednesday I'll be fixed”. She started to get excited. New thoughts started streaming through her mind: ”from next week, I'll be able to orgasm with my partner!”. “Wow! I can't wait to orgasm”. “This is going to be the start of the best sex life ever”.
She even shared with her partner how excited she was getting. To have this problem fixed and able to have her first orgasm with him. Her whole energy around it moved from hopeless to hopeful. Her Faith about what the doctor could do for her completely eroded her Fear. This is the magical point - but we'll come back to it.
The night before the appointment, Hannah and her partner were enjoying an evening together; one that included physical intimacy (PI). This time was different. This time she went into PI without her fear of ‘not having an orgasm’ because, in her mind, tomorrow it would be fixed.
The fear was completely gone.
Without it she was free to experience pleasure in the present moment. No control, no fear, no expectations. She was more open and receptive than she had ever been. She was free to receive.
Well - I bet you can guess where the story is going! Yip! Surprise surprise, the night before her appointment with the Dr, she had her first orgasm. It took her by such surprise. Flooded with emotion, she even sent a group text to her friends - and her mum! - in celebration.
Hannah felt so smug when she called the doctor in the morning to cancel the appointment. She knew there was no going back as she now had the evidence she needed to stay focused on what she wanted. She COULD orgasm. She was NOT broken. It was here that Hannah got it. She saw that it was her own thoughts and fears that were blocking her from the experience she wanted the most.
Now that she could see this connection, between her fear and her experience, she knew she was free. Orgasms would now flow easily and freely - and they did.
Observation:
Where was Hannah’s focus at the start of the story?
Can you see how, the more she focused there, the more it grew?
When she was stuck in fear, how did this affect how she showed up with her loving partner?
If a shift in mindset created such a physical/tangible change for Hannah, what could be possible for you?
Faith over Fear is a powerful tool. It requires belief that new possibilities and opportunities can become available when we open ourselves up to them - and the belief must be strong like Hannah’s.
In Hannah's case, her faith was that she would be able to orgasm after the doctor's appointment. For me it was having faith that my partner could lead our family. Another client wanted to have faith that her husband loved her.
TOP TIP:
When leaning into a new belief, I love to go ‘hawk-eye’ looking for evidence of it - anything I can find goes on a mental list. Any time I feel the control (fear) coming up, I think of this list and it helps me stay focused on what I want.
I went from thinking that I had to be 'the boss’ to sitting back and allowing my partner to make big decisions for our family. I now have the experience I wanted, like Hannah. She has orgasms and I have a man that leads our family!
Where would you like to switch your focus and put your faith?
MAIN TAKEAWAY:
Focusing on fear blocks us from the experience we want.
Focusing on faith in what we want can override that fear and open us to the experience.
I hope you like this story as much as I do.
Journal prompts:
What experiences am I telling myself I can't have but deeply crave?
What is it I am afraid of?
What would the new experience look like? Feel like?
Once I am in the new experience what will I have that I don't have now?
What can I say to myself to align my thoughts and feelings to the experience I want?
If you would like to cultivate more faith in your vision, and say goodbye to fear in your relationship, check out The Empowered Wife Workshop. A four week LIVE training where you’ll become an expert in The 6 Intimacy Skills™ and experience the powerful influence you have as the woman in your relationship.
Drop a comment below or head on over to the contact page and let me know what’s coming up for you. I’d love to hear what you think!