5 Steps to Reignite Intimacy When Your Relationship Feels Off

Relationships are a journey, not a destination. Even the strongest couples face challenges that test their connection. Recently, I found myself revisiting old patterns and doubts, despite all the tools and skills I’ve cultivated over the years. But that experience gave me a valuable reminder: no matter how far we’ve come, we all need support sometimes.

Here are the lessons I learned about rebuilding connection when challenges arise:

1. Recognize the Early Signs of Disconnection

It’s easy to focus on the symptoms when things feel off in a relationship. Maybe your partner seems distant, or those small gestures of affection, like kisses when they get home, start to fade. Instead of dwelling on what’s missing, look deeper. These signs often point to a shift in mindset or energy that can be addressed.

For me, I realized I had let fear and doubt creep into how I viewed my partner. Instead of seeing him as the capable, strong partner I’d started to admire, I started questioning his ability to handle challenges. This shift in my perception had a ripple effect, creating more distance between us.

2. Change Your Focus to Change Your Energy

When I reached out to my coach, I was reminded of a powerful truth: where we focus our energy, we create results. If we focus on our partner’s faults, we’ll find endless evidence to confirm them. But when we intentionally look for their strengths, the opposite is true.

I was challenged to flip my most critical thought about my partner into something positive and then actively look for evidence to support that new belief. Almost immediately, I found it. This small shift had an incredible impact—not just on how I saw my partner, but on how I showed up in our relationship.

3. Gratitude Is More Than a List

Gratitude isn’t just about writing down what you’re thankful for. It’s about choosing to focus on the positives and expressing them authentically. When I shifted my mindset to gratitude, I started to notice all the ways my partner was showing up for me and our family.

When I shared these observations with him—both through my words and energy—our connection began to return. It reminded me that expressing appreciation isn’t just about making your partner feel good; it’s about strengthening your bond and creating a culture of trust and respect.

4. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help

Even as a relationship coach, I know the value of seeking support. When I felt stuck, I turned to my coach to uncover my blind spots. Sometimes, knowing what to do isn’t enough—you need someone to help you see the patterns you might be missing.

Getting the right support allowed me to reset my focus and make a plan. It reminded me that no matter how experienced we are, we all need a community and guidance to stay on track.

5. Build Your Rope of Faith, Not Fear

During my coaching session, I had a crazy but vivid analogy come to mind. I felt like I was an orangutan, and I was swinging on a rope that was getting narrower and narrower, like when you climb a tree and you get to the edge where you know it's going to break. Instead of leaning into my faith that he's got this, instead of weaving new fibers into my rope so that I can swing around on this faith rope without worrying about it snapping, I jumped off that rope onto my old rope, the which I don’t enjoy swinging on, but one that felt safe and familiar. I left the rope of faith and jumped back on the old rope of fear.

Small Shifts Create Big Results

What stood out most in this experience was how quickly things started to change when I adjusted my focus. That same evening, my partner put his arm around me at a local fair, and we shared a laugh watching our boys play. These moments reminded me that connection doesn’t have to be complicated—it starts with small, intentional actions.

Your Next Steps

If you’re feeling disconnected or stuck in your relationship, know that you’re not alone. The worst thing you can do is dwell on what’s not working or complain to friends who might unintentionally reinforce negativity. Instead, seek out a supportive community or a coach who can help you uncover your blind spots and make a plan to move forward.

For me, having a network of women who understood the six intimacy skills made all the difference. It’s why I’ve built my programs around the same principles—offering women the tools, guidance, and accountability to transform their relationships.

Ready to Take the First Step?
If this resonates with you, I’d love to help. Whether it’s through my free events, Love Unlocked, or private sessions, there’s a space for you to start creating the relationship you want. You don’t have to do it alone.

The Freedom to Relax: Letting Go of Worry and Choosing Connection Instead

Dropping in as I sit on a train on my way back from a day trip with Andrew and the kids to a city called Regensburg.

I'm here, reflecting on the light load of anxiety in my body as the kids wriggle around and follow each other up and down the aisles while Andrew sits, relaxed, reading a book... Here's my train of thought:

Why do I have to take on this load?

Why don't I get to relax?

Could I relax?

What would happen if I let go?

Why am I in control mode?

I must be scared of something...

What is it?

Boom.

— what others will think —

There it is.

I'm afraid that others will think my kids are too loud or disrespectful. But are they? No! In fact, people enjoy them... Does Andrew check out because he's a useless dad and partner? This would have been my conclusion in the past. I would have stopped there, blamed him, and avoided any self-reflection or responsibility. But now I see he checks out because he doesn’t care what others think! To an extent, of course.

He's not afraid of the kids saying hi to strangers reading books.

He's not afraid of a bit of laughing and giggling.

He's not afraid of them tripping over as the train accelerates or brakes ("they will learn").

And because he's not afraid, he's not being controlling.

Ahhh, the link. It's so obvious when you look, but you have to know what you're looking for!

Knowing the link between fear and control is one of the best foundations within the skills. I am so grateful to have these simple tools to help me reflect when things feel icky.

Sometimes the solutions are so simple!

The other thing you'll notice in this scenario is that the skills keep me on my paper. Instead of bathing in the warm bath of resentment, blame, and judgment—not to mention the martyr complex (you just sit right there with your book, I'll take care of everything)—I'm on my paper, reflecting and looking for the path back to intimacy (in this case, clearing my energy field from "you are such an a*sehole" to "what can I do to show up dignified and relaxed?").

So here is my solution:

1. Chill out. I don't have to worry so much about what others think (suddenly, the anxiety lifts).

2. Let a little bit of gratitude land for Andrew's chilled-out (but still responsible) approach to parenting.

3. Ask myself, "How do I feel?" and "What do I want?" I'm tired; I just want to relax and let my kids tune out with some screen time. So, they're watching National Geographic, and I'm capturing this little reflection in case it helps someone else.

Let me know if this resonates! DM me on Instagram @kayla_greenville

With love,

Kayla

How Letting Go of Control Got Me More Help

Have you ever felt like you’re carrying the entire load in your household?

I’ve been there, too. For a long time, I thought I was just being helpful, organized, and efficient. I was managing everything—kids, the house, our schedule—and I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it. But what I didn’t realize was that my need to control everything was actually driving a wedge between my partner and me, and it was slowly eroding the intimacy and connection in our relationship.

The Moment of Realization

One morning, I was lying in bed, enjoying a rare sleep-in, when my partner, Andrew, came in to ask me if he should put a jumper on our youngest son, Bowen. I remember feeling a rush of irritation and disappointment. “Does he really need to ask me about this?” I thought. I hadn’t even seen the weather that day! But then, another thought hit me—one that changed everything: “Wow, look what I’ve created here. I’m so controlling that Andrew feels he can’t make a simple decision without checking with me first.”

This realization was like a punch in the gut. I suddenly saw how my controlling behavior had created a dynamic where Andrew felt he needed my approval for everything. It wasn’t just about the jumper—it was about the underlying control I had over our entire relationship. I was acting like a manager, and he had started to act like an employee, going along with whatever I said to avoid conflict.

The Cost of Control

At that moment, I understood the cost of my controlling behavior. It wasn’t just about making decisions for our kids or managing the household—it was about the overall dynamic in our relationship. I was unknowingly sending the message that Andrew wasn’t capable, that he couldn’t make decisions without my input, and that he wasn’t good enough. This wasn’t just unattractive—it was damaging our connection.

For a long time, I thought I was just being organized and helpful. I was great at managing things—a lot of women are! We’re amazing multi-taskers, emotionally intelligent, and able to handle a lot. But when we transfer that control onto our partners, it can become a relationship killer. The more I controlled, the less initiative Andrew took, and the more I felt like I had to manage everything.

The Shift: Letting Go of Control

Realizing this, I knew something had to change. I started to focus on relinquishing control and letting Andrew take responsibility for the things I had always managed. At first, it wasn’t easy. I had to bite my tongue and stop myself from offering uninvited opinions or critiques. But as I let go, something amazing happened—Andrew started to step up.

He began to take more initiative, making decisions without checking in with me, and I started to feel more supported and appreciated. Our relationship became more relaxed, playful, and connected. I went from feeling like the manager of our household to feeling like an equal partner in our relationship. The dynamic shifted, and with it, our connection deepened.

The Benefits of Letting Go

One of the most powerful tools I learned during this process was the simple phrase, “Whatever you think.” Whenever Andrew asked me a question about something he could easily decide, I’d respond with, “Whatever you think.” This phrase helped me step back and trust him to make decisions. It sent the message that I believed in his capabilities and that I trusted him to take care of things.

As I continued to let go of control, I noticed a profound change in our relationship:

• Increased Support: Andrew started to take on more responsibilities without needing my input, and I felt more supported.

• Improved Communication: Without the constant need to manage everything, our communication became cleaner and more respectful.

• Deeper Connection: With the controlling energy gone, there was more space for intimacy, playfulness, and genuine connection.

A Personal Story of Transformation

One of the most memorable moments of this transformation was when Andrew planned a surprise weekend away for our family. In the past, I might have jumped in with suggestions or tried to change the plan. But this time, I let go. I simply said, “That would be great,” and let him handle everything. The weekend was wonderful, and I realized how much I had been blocking by trying to control everything. By letting go, I received more than I ever expected—a beautiful, spontaneous weekend with my family and a deeper sense of gratitude for my partner.

Conclusion

Control can be a sneaky, insidious force in our relationships, often disguised as helpfulness or organization. But by recognizing it and actively working to let it go, we can transform our relationships in profound ways. When we create space for our partners to step up, we open the door to more support, deeper connection, and a more fulfilling partnership.

If you see yourself in any of my stories, know that change is possible. Start with small steps, like using the phrase, “Whatever you think,” and watch how your relationship transforms. Remember, relinquishing control isn’t about giving up power—it’s about creating space for mutual respect, trust, and intimacy.

If you’re ready to dive deeper into these concepts and transform your relationship, consider joining my four-week workshop where we explore control and other dynamics that can either strengthen or weaken our partnerships. You’ll learn practical tools to let go of control, build connection, and create the relationship you’ve always wanted.

Thank you for joining me today. I hope this inspires you to create positive changes in your own relationship. I’d love to hear about your experiences, so feel free to reach out and share your stories.

The Skill That Could Turn Everything Around Even If You Did Nothing Else

The Skill That Could Turn Everything Around Even If You Did Nothing Else

When you hear the term "self-care," you might roll your eyes, picturing bubble baths and scented candles. But today, I want to talk about self-care as the foundation of a healthy, thriving relationship. It’s not just a trendy buzzword—it's a crucial practice that can change everything.

My Self-Care Awakening

I wasn’t always a believer in self-care. In fact, when I first read about it in The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle, I rolled my eyes. I was tired of hearing about self-care and wanted to focus on solving my relationship problems. But as I dug deeper, I realized that neglecting self-care was the root of many of my issues.

For a long time, I believed it was my partner’s job to make me happy. If I wasn’t happy, I blamed him. This mindset led to resentment, especially when he took time for himself. I remember being furious when he announced he was going for a run after work, leaving me to cook dinner and take care of the kids. I felt exhausted, unsupported, and overwhelmed.

The Breakthrough Moment

One day, after a particularly stressful day, I found myself reaching for the mop instead of doing something enjoyable. My partner noticed and said, “Don’t make your day more stressful. Go do something for yourself.” It hit me like a ton of bricks—I was using cleaning as a way to cope with feeling out of control, just like I had done since childhood. This was my wake-up call. I realized I had completely lost touch with what made me happy.

I knew something had to change. I decided to prioritize self-care, starting with small, intentional actions. I made a list of things that genuinely made me happy and began incorporating them into my daily routine.

The Hardest Part

Getting started with self-care wasn’t easy. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I had lost touch with what made me happy, and it felt easier to stick to my old habits of cleaning or running errands. But I pushed through, driven by the desire to bring joy back into my life and my relationship.

As I prioritized self-care, I noticed a shift. I was happier, more fun, and our relationship improved. The more I invested in my happiness, the better everything around me became. It was clear—self-care needed to be my number one priority.

The Impact on My Relationship

With a solid self-care practice, I was finally able to show up in my relationship as the best version of myself. I became more respectful, less controlling, and more grateful. Communication improved, and the connection between us deepened.

I also learned to recognize the signs of low self-care—when everything my partner did annoyed me, or when I felt overwhelmed by small tasks. These were red flags signaling that I needed to focus on myself. By prioritizing self-care, I became more resilient, less irritable, and more present in my relationship.

The Benefits of Self-Care

Taking self-care seriously brought countless benefits to my relationship:

• Happiness and Fun: I became happier and more fun to be around, which naturally attracted my partner.

• Respect and Boundaries: Focusing on my happiness stopped me from drifting into controlling or critical behavior.

• Better Communication: I was less irritable and more open, which improved our communication and reduced conflicts.

• Self-Awareness: I learned to recognize when I needed self-care to avoid spiraling into negativity.

Conclusion

Self-care isn’t just a luxury—it’s essential. It’s about taking responsibility for your happiness and showing up as your best self in your relationship. If you’re struggling with connection and intimacy, or if you’re feeling overwhelmed by daily life, I encourage you to make self-care a priority.

Remember, self-care isn’t selfish—it’s the foundation of a happy, healthy relationship.

How to Embrace the Power you have as the Woman in your Relationship

Have you ever heard the saying, "Happy wife, happy life"? It's a phrase we see everywhere—on cards, wall art, and calendars. At first, I thought it was just a candid joke about making women happy. But over the years, observing my own relationship and working with my clients, I've realized there's a profound truth to it.

As women, the way we show up as partners, mothers, and individuals has a direct and strong correlation with the way our partners show up and with the overall energy in our homes. When I’m filled up with self-care, respect, and going with the flow, Andrew shows up playful, flirty, and attentive. He’s attracted to me! But when I’m irritated, naggy, and complaining, he becomes distant and defensive.

So why is this the case, and why is it useful to understand?
The first point I want to make is that our men are far more invested in our happiness than we might think.

My partner has bad days too, and it’s not always because of me that he’s distant or defensive. These used to be really triggering for me. If he was in a bad mood, I would often slump into one too. But with the skills I have now, I can stay on my own paper, and my mood is mostly independent of his. I can stay happy even when he's in a bad mood. I can give him space, do some self-care, and be there when he’s ready.

It doesn't feel the same the other way around. Andrew can’t seem to stay happy when I'm not happy. It truly feels like my happiness is really important to him.

Men Care Deeply About Our Happiness!

Laura Doyle, my relationship mentor, has interviewed thousands of men, and they all say the same thing: their partner’s happiness is imperative and the most important thing to them. So my theory is that while we can detach from their moods, the opposite isn't as true. If I'm not happy, it’s very hard for my partner to be happy.

Just this weekend, I was in what I call my “lighthouse mode,” feeling happy and filled up. I misunderstood Andrew, thinking he was taking the kids rock climbing without me. When he realized I thought we were going separate ways for the afternoon, he seemed sad! He wanted me to come. It's a wonderful feeling when your partner wants to spend time with you and be happy with you, much nicer than feeling like he's always trying to be somewhere else.

When I’m irritable, grumpy, and unhappy, my whole house feels it. Every little thing annoys me. I snap at my kids and am less tolerant. For example, if I’m a bit down, I might walk into a room and suddenly the mess is unbearable. This reaction stems from my internal unhappiness. I project my need for control onto the environment, turning into a "psycho cleaning lady." This isn't fun, attractive, or how I want to show up. If I die tomorrow, that’s not the memory I want my kids and partner to have of me.

When I’m like this, Andrew avoids me, gravitates to the kids, and sometimes even takes them away because he can see I need space. But the energy in our home becomes one of "let’s get away from Mum, she’s not happy."

The opposite is true as well. When I’ve taken care of myself—perhaps returning from a run, doing yoga, or just any activity that fills me up—I’m happy and walk into a room with a smile. My kids are drawn to me, and I’m not irritated by the mess because I’m focused on being present and playful. I imagine myself as a lighthouse of fun and happiness. I want my kids and my partner to want to be around me.

FUN FACT

In most species, it’s the females who are the most attractive. Certainly with humans, we’re all attracted to the beauty of women. But to me, even the most beautiful woman in the world isn’t as beautiful when she’s in a bad mood. I think what attracts us most is not the physical features but the happiness that radiates from a person.

I’ve found it’s the same within relationships. Men gravitate to happy women, and naturally want to spend more time with us (those of you with daughters may notice that your partner responds differently to them than you and often it is because of the unconditional love and respect they have for their dads!). They naturally want to do things that make a happy woman (or girl) even happier. They’re motivated to make us happy when we’re making ourselves happy. I read this in Laura’s book, but I didn’t really believe it until it started to come true at my house. It’s an AMAZING cycle to be in—and it started when I realized how much influence I had. It started with me taking responsibility for the impact I had on my home—taking responsibility for my happiness.

HERE WE ARE AT SELF CARE AGAIN

This is the Self-Care Skill. And it is a skill!! It is really hard, especially as a mother, to make self-care a priority any day. It's even harder to make it a consistent priority. It's not easy, but it's the most important skill; it’s the foundational skill. Everything else can flow when we're winning with self-care.

The Ripple Effect on our Family:

For those of you who have kids, this just goes to another level. When I walk into a room, my kids pick up immediately on my mood. They are incredibly intuitive and perceptive. When I started taking my power as a woman in my home seriously, prioritizing my self-care, and making sure I was showing up in a way that I was proud of, the culture of our home became so much more fun. When I'm filled up, I'm more likely to get on the floor and play emergency with my boys, more likely to spin them around or play fight, more likely to leave the dishes and take them outside. Frankly, I'm a better mum when I’m consistent with self-care.

Not only that, but they are also learning about relationships by watching Andrew and I. Since I started taking responsibility for my happiness and changing the tone in my home, they have seen changes in me, in Andrew, and in the way we interact.

When I was unhappy, I felt like he was always trying to be somewhere else, like he always had somewhere else to be. My kids would have felt that, you know? But now we are so much happier as a family. I know now how influential I am as a woman, partner, and mother. I take that influence really seriously and use it to motivate myself when it comes to self-care.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?

So if you think you don't have time for self-care or it's not the best use of your time, or you think that your partner is the problem or your kids are hard, I really invite you to embrace this idea that you are a powerful force. The people around you want you to be happy. The people around you are happier when you are happy. You can't hide your unhappiness from the men or the children in your life—they're feeling it, and they care. If you can get back on track with self-care and become a happy, fun version of yourself that you're proud to be, I bet the whole vibe in your household will shift.

• So what do you need to do?

• What are three things you can do today to feel happier?

• What are three things you can do tomorrow?

Can you get yourself to a place where your happiness is at the top of the to-do list—ahead of household chores, work, and what your boss needs?

I invite you to truly commit to self-care for one week.

Try this out because once you witness how powerful you are, you will have so much more motivation to make consistent self-care a way of life.

Your influence as a woman in your home is powerful beyond measure. I truly believe that a happy woman is the most powerful force in the world. Happy wife, happy life. Happy parents, happy kids. Happy kids, happy future generations. By being mindful of the energy you bring, you can transform the atmosphere in your relationship, in your home and in the world!

Remember, it's not about being perfect. We all have our moments of frustration and imperfection. What's important is the intention and effort to bring our best selves to our relationships, to learn and grow from our experiences, and to create a positive and nurturing environment for our loved ones by creating a positive and nurturing environment for ourselves.

Thank you so much for joining me on this journey. If you enjoyed this blog post and want more insights, head over to my podcast, Love Unlocked, for the full episode.

Sending so much love,

Kayla

Are You a Swimmer Who Doesn’t Swim?

Hello again! Here we are talking about Self Car again…what is becoming my favourite topic because I can see how influential it is to relationship success.

Today I'm thrilled to share some personal stories and insights on how to truly integrate self care into our busy lives. We’ll dive into the importance of self care, share some relatable experiences, and explore practical tips to ensure we prioritize our well-being every day.

The Disconnect Between Identity and Action

Recently, during one of my workshops, a woman said something that cracked me up. She told me, "I'm a swimmer who doesn't swim." This statement was so funny and relatable because it reminded me of a similar realization I had about myself.

I used to think of myself as a yogi, a meditator, a runner—basically, someone who had self care all figured out. I prided myself on being healthy and outdoorsy. But then, I took a hard look at my behavior over the last few weeks and realized something shocking: I hadn't meditated, done yoga, or gone for a run in ages. There was a complete disconnect between the woman I identified as and the woman I was actually showing up as.

True Self Care

Self care is not just about the labels we give ourselves but about making those things that make us happy and whole a tangible part of our daily lives. It's about writing down those activities that define who you want to be, who you used to be, or who you are at your best moments.

For me, self care goes out the window without a plan. So, I make a point to schedule it in advance. I aim for three things a day, and sometimes I schedule even more in case some don't happen. By doing this, I'm far more likely to follow through. It's about being intentional and making self care a priority, rather than an afterthought.

The Common Scenario

Back to our swimmer friend from the workshop—she kept buying goggles, accumulating about fifteen pairs, but never actually went for a swim. This is such a common scenario, isn't it? We have all the gear, all the good intentions, but we don't follow through. The key is to schedule the time and make self care a priority.

When we neglect self care, we become more likely to find our partners and the people around us irritating. We get defensive and reactive. But when our self care is good, we show up in a more peaceful, balanced state. This makes all the difference, not only in how we feel but also in our ability to implement the rest of the intimacy skills.

Personal Stories of Self Care

Let me share a personal story about how low self care can dull even the most magical moments. Last year, I expressed a desire to live in Costa Rica. We ended up choosing Europe instead, but weeks later, my partner suggested we take a three-week holiday in Costa Rica on the way! Deep down, I felt overwhelmed with excitement and gratitude, but my self care was so low that I couldn't bring myself to express any of it. It felt like my happiness was hijacked, on hold until my self care could catch up.

I was researching stunning places to visit, but my energy remained flat, as if I was planning my work week. Low self care meant I missed a big opportunity to show my partner how ridiculously happy he was making me. I just wasn’t in the mood to share it! This experience taught me how vital it is to keep my self care in check to fully appreciate and express joy in these magical moments.

Another story that highlights the importance of self care happened on a long, rainy day with the kids inside, making me feel like a crazy person. I was in reaction mode all day and feeling pretty overwhelmed during dinner, bath, and bedtime. Desperate to sit down on the couch with a cup of tea, I came out from the kids' rooms to find Andrew doing the dishes.

Instead of saying “thank you,” I analyzed his process and actually asked him, “What is your system here?” I was so tired and desperate for us to connect that I couldn't recognize his effort and felt the urge to correct his inefficient way of doing the dishes. In hindsight, I see that self care is the antidote for those kinds of comments—and even thoughts! If I had been filled up and on my paper, I wouldn't have cared about his dishwashing method. My focus would have been on receiving his gesture, sharing gratitude, and tending to my own needs. This story reminds me how essential self care is to maintaining gratitude and connection in our relationships.

One more story about the impact of self care involves my dive into coursework. I was happy but not balanced, filling every gap with calls or study. Suddenly, I got sick for 12 hours and was couch-bound. I had to call a friend to come and feed my kids! I realized that self care is about tending to all parts of ourselves - including our health. Sitting in front of a screen and filling every second with this work was fun but it wasn’t good for my body. This was a stark contrast to another time in my life when my routine included high-intensity exercises, like running up some steep stairs with a friend and going to the gym. I know for me that higher-intensity exercises need to be a part of my self care routine to maintain balance and wellness. So it’s really important to think about self care from different perspectives.

Practical Tips for Self Care

So, how do we make it happen? Here are some practical tips:

1. Make a List: Write down the activities that make you happy and feel like yourself. This could be yoga, meditation, running, reading, or anything else that brings you joy.

2. Schedule It: Put these activities in your calendar just like you would any other important appointment. Aim for at least three self care activities a day.

3. Be Flexible: Life happens, and sometimes things don't go as planned. Schedule a few extra self care activities to account for this.

4. Reflect and Adjust: Regularly review your self care routine. What's working? What needs to change? Adjust as necessary to keep it effective and enjoyable.

5. Create a Quickie List: Have a list of quick self care activities for those busy days. This could include a five-minute meditation, a quick walk around the block, listening to your favorite song, or a brief stretching routine. Having these quick options ensures you can still fit in some self care, no matter how hectic your day gets.

Remember, self care isn't a luxury; it's a necessity. By making it a priority and scheduling it into our daily lives, we can show up as the most aligned and happy versions of ourselves. This, in turn, positively impacts our relationships and overall well-being.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this blog post, you might love the podcast episode on this very topic, where I dive into even more stories and examples—some of which are quite funny! Tune in to hear about my experiences and how staying on my own paper has transformed my relationship.

If you want to start learning more about self care and the other 6 intimacy skills so that you can create a more vibrant, connected, and loving relationship, check out The Empowered Wife Workshop. Become an expert in The 6 Intimacy Skills™ and experience the powerful influence you have as the woman in your relationship.

Until next time, take care and keep prioritizing your happiness!

How Did I Get My Man to Do That? The counterintuitive catalyst to more help around the house.

At 8:15 am yesterday, when I got home from dropping Arlo at kindy, I found Andrew vacuuming the house—before heading to work! This wasn’t a typical sight, but it wasn’t super surprising either. Since making The 6 Intimacy Skills a way of life, I feel a lot more supported around here.

However, it got me thinking… how did this happen? Which skill helped create this kind of help in my relationship?

Of course, all of The Intimacy Skills helped cultivate this kind of support in my relationship, but the most unlikely Skill in this case turned out to be the biggest catalyst: Self Care.

How!?

The thing with self care is that it's not always about adding something to your list. Sometimes it's about taking things off. Most importantly, it's about choosing happiness over what 'needs' to be done. Let me explain how this worked for me.

For me, letting go of housework, and in particular the state of our floors, has been huge. I was so quick to grab the vacuum cleaner whenever I had a minute. Even when I had a newborn baby, I remember taking moments while he was sleeping to clean my house and vacuum the floors. It gave me a sense of control to have a clean house, and I didn't realize the opportunity cost at the time. Since exploring self care and the impact it has on my relationship, I can see that this had two major impacts:

1. Wasting Self Care Time: I was spending valuable self care time on a job that was never-ending. Often, by the time my house was clean, my baby would be waking up, and I would feel frustrated and resentful that I hadn't had any time for myself. My priorities were all wrong, and my need for control superseded my commitment to my own happiness, which had enormous flow-on effects for me, my relationship, and my parenting.

2. Preventing Help: I was so quick to do it that there was no time for anyone else to jump in and do it for me. I didn't see this one at the time, but on reflection, staying on top of the housework to the degree that I was meant there was never any time for my partner to step in and help me. It was the first thing I did when I woke up and the last thing I did before I went to sleep. Driven by my need for control, I could go a whole day with no self care but felt purposeful and accomplished if my house was clean. How backwards that seems now.

Since discovering the skills, I’ve changed my approach. I deliberately chose to let it go. I try to choose self care and time with my kids instead of cleaning. This is still a challenge for me—I'm a Virgo and I like things in their place—but the more I experiment, the more I understand that playfulness in my relationships, both with my kids and my partner, is directly correlated to self care. And self care is inversely correlated to my commitment to housework.

Even now, as I write this blog, I'm looking around a room full of toys. There are slippers on the floor, pyjamas draped over the couch cushion, and washing that needs to be put away. In the past, I would have prioritized that housework, thinking that I couldn't sit down for work until the room was perfectly tidy. However, now my commitment to you, the women reading this blog, supersedes my need for a clean house.

Letting go of a dirty floor is very hard for me. This week, the floors, in my mind, were DISGUSTING. As much as I couldn't stand it, I summoned the strength to leave them and to continue to prioritize myself. I told myself they could wait until the weekend, and I bit my tongue and ignored the mess.

When I came in and saw Andrew vacuuming, it hit me. My expectations of 'when' things should get done were simply different from his—in the case of the floors, sooner. I had a threshold for when the floors needed to be cleaned, and it was before Andrew's. I had been getting resentful and feeling like he NEVER cleaned the floors or he NEVER noticed they were dirty, that I was the ONLY ONE who ever did it. Whoops, turns out, I was just first to reach the point where I couldn’t handle them as they were anymore.

This week, when I chose to let it go despite how bad they were getting—food spilt under the table, sticks and stones dragged through the hallway, crumbs in the kitchen—I spent time with my kids and focused on my own well-being instead.

When I came home and found Andrew vacuuming, the first thing I did was share my genuine gratitude, of course. It was SO nice to see them clean and not have to do it myself. Then he said, "Yeah, they were pretty disgusting." So BOOM—there's my insight. Andrew hit his threshold of when the floor should be cleaned, and he just did it! All this time, in the past, I was getting angry thinking (and complaining) that "he never" vacuumed. But I was just too quick to do it!

By choosing self care and leaving the floors, my partner took care of them. I am supported. He does clean the floors. He does notice when they're dirty. I am not the only one to want a clean house.

This unexpected benefit of self care reinforced my favorite mantra from this work: we have to let go to receive. In this case, letting go of my need for a clean floor and my need to control the state of our home allowed space and time for me to receive the gift of Andrew's support. And the flow-on benefits of this should be obvious: I had an opportunity to receive something he was doing and to show my appreciation by acknowledging him for that. I was able to share genuine gratitude so that he could see that his support had made me happy and taken something off my plate. This consequently added a layer of intimacy as opposed to eroding one - like I would have in the past (or missing out on the opportunity all together).

Conclusion

Self care is a powerful Intimacy Skill that not only benefits you but also allows your partner to show their support and contribute in ways you might not expect. By prioritizing your own well-being, you create a more balanced and cooperative dynamic in your relationship. So next time, consider letting go of that chore and see what happens. You might just find your partner stepping up in ways that surprise and delight you.

Whose Paper Are You On? How to Cultivate Respect in Your Relationship

In this blog post, I want to dive into a transformative concept that has profoundly impacted my relationship: "staying on your own paper." This idea has helped restore connection, build a more vibrant partnership, and most importantly, has empowered me to become a respectful partner. I'll share personal stories and insights to illustrate the power of this concept and how it can change your relationship dynamic.

The Concept of "Staying on Your Own Paper"

The idea of “staying on your own paper” comes from Laura Doyle’s book, The Empowered Wife. It falls under the skill of respect, one of the six intimacy skills Doyle discusses. Initially, I didn’t quite understand how it applied to relationships. But as I experimented with the intimacy skills, its significance became clear. Staying on your own paper means focusing on your own actions, feelings, and desires, rather than trying to control or manage your partner’s.

Getting Off Your Partner’s Paper

To me, staying on your own paper has two facets:

1. getting off your partner's paper; and

2. refocusing on your own.

At first, I thought I was making progress simply by letting go of what my partner was doing or not doing. While this did improve our relationship, I realized my own paper felt blank. I had spent so much time on others’ papers that I didn’t recognize my own. Hence realizing that there was a second stage to this concept when it came to becoming a respectful partner.

From morning until night, 90% of my energy was focused on others—whether it was parenting or micromanaging, critiquing, or solving problems that weren’t mine. Here are some examples of how I crushed intimacy by being off my paper:

1. Judging His Actions: Rolling my eyes at him in a restaurant when he called the waiter back to change his order. Instead of creating tension, I could simply enjoy my time.

2. Micromanaging: Being hyper-aware of his process for getting ready to go somewhere and commenting on it. Instead, I could focus on my own preparation and relax.

3. Controlling Conversations: Steering conversations at events to topics he liked or re-explaining something he said. Instead, I could build my own relationships and trust him to handle his.

The Impact of Staying on My Own Paper

Now that I’ve embarrassed myself with examples of being off my paper, let’s talk about what it means to be on my paper. Staying on my paper means consciously thinking about who I am, what I want, what I’m doing, and how I’m feeling. Initially, these questions felt foreign to me because I had been so consumed by what others were doing.

By catching myself and flipping my thoughts, I started to refocus on my own paper. When I wondered how my partner was feeling or responding, I would ask myself: How do I feel? What do I want? What do I need? This shift has been empowering. It gives me control and options, allowing me to move forward, express desires, create change, and practice self-care.

Visualizing My Paper

I visualize my paper as a colorful watercolour painting my four-year-old son did. He fills the entire sheet with colours, somehow avoiding the dreaded brown that comes from mixing the wrong colours together. This is my goal for my paper—to be filled with self-care and respect. When I stray, I visualize a pooy brown smudge on my painting and know it’s time to clean it up, often with an apology.

Examples of Positive Changes

Here are some ways staying on my own paper has improved my relationship:

1. Career Confidence: Previously, I meddled in my partner’s career decisions, creating uncertainty. Now, I offer support from a place of trust, allowing him to gain clarity and confidence.

2. Physical Intimacy: Focusing on my own feelings and desires has made our physical relationship more fulfilling and pleasurable.

3. Parenting: By focusing on my own actions and desires, I’ve reduced stress and tension during bedtime, creating a more peaceful environment.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this blog post, you might love the podcast episode on this very topic, where I dive into even more stories and examples—some of which are quite funny! Tune in to hear about my experiences and how staying on my own paper has transformed my relationship.

Want to learn more about cultivating respect in your relationship? Check out The Empowered Wife Workshop. A four week LIVE training where you’ll become an expert in The 6 Intimacy Skills™ and experience the powerful influence you have as the woman in your relationship.

Until next time, enjoy life on your paper!

Femininity vs Feminism

Lately, I've found myself deep in thought about feminism and femininity, a reflection that has significantly altered my perception of strength, receptivity, and the dynamics of relationships.

As a self-identified feminist, independence was not just a trait but a symbol of success for me. I was the woman who would insist on carrying the heaviest box, sometimes adding another on top, just to showcase my capability. However, my perspective has evolved. I now recognize the immense strength required to embrace my femininity, particularly in what I would describe as its essence - the art of receiving.

This journey of realization has led me to reflect on the women of the past, particularly those who fought for the right to wear pants during the women's rights movement but chose to wear skirts out of preference. Their choice poses a powerful question: Did opting for skirts diminish their feminist stance or power? These women, in their choice, demonstrated the profound strength and inner confidence required to embrace femininity on their own terms, fully aware of their power without the need to prove it overtly. Initially inspired by those who donned pants as a symbol of equality, my admiration has shifted towards these wise souls who chose femininity, understanding its intrinsic power and significance.

WHEN TO BE FEMININE

I've come to understand that each of us embodies both masculine and feminine traits, playing out in every interaction. In our professional lives, embodying our masculine side—showcasing leadership, strength, and determination—can be incredibly empowering and lead to great success. Yet, I found myself at a crossroads within my relationship(s), realizing that constantly leading wasn't fulfilling my deeper desires. I wanted to feel cared for, to let my partner lead, to experience love in its more traditional form— feeling cherished, adored, and like my man just wanted to make me happy.

This realization sparked a big shift for me. I recognized my subconscious efforts to achieve intimacy and connection were through a masculine approach—direct demands, unsolicited advice, and taking charge. To cultivate a deep connection, I needed to embrace my femininity: to open up, to surrender control, to be radiant and, most crucially, to master the art of receptivity.

A conversation with a client resonated deeply with me: “It seems to be all the strong women who have relationship problems. It seems like men can’t handle strong women.” I agreed! I was a strong woman and I had relationship problems.

Since experimenting with The 6 Intimacy Skills™, I think I have found a key distinction. Embracing my masculine traits in the professional realm did not impede intimacy, but introducing them into my relationship dynamics did. Instead, fostering my femininity within the relationship—allowing myself to be confident yet receptive—transformed our dynamic. I learned to appreciate the balance: letting my partner take the lead, enjoying the journey from the passenger seat, and listening more than I spoke when it came to things on his paper.

This shift was not without internal conflict. My inner ‘feminist’ would say “But YOU CAN carry it”, “YOU ARE a good driver”, “it would be better for him IF HE did it like this”. It is so natural for me to assert my masculine qualities (control) yet I realized the importance of choosing which energy to embody and when. The masculine vs masculine energy war we were in was eroding my vision. Retreating into my feminine was the key to rejuvenating the intimacy and connection in my relationship. Embracing femininity has not only drawn us closer but also reignited a mutual attraction and desire, proving that like positive and negative currents, masculine and feminine energies are naturally drawn to each other.

FEMININITY AND FRIENDSHIP

As I said above, the essence of femininity is receptivity. I want to share an unforgettable lesson I had in the art of receiving — and its gift to the giver.

One day a sudden migraine left me couch-bound, with two children as dinner time approached. Cooking seemed impossible and traditionally I would find a way to push through, but on this day, I chose to embrace my femininity and reach out for help. I called a friend and asked for the not-so-small favor of making dinner for my kids. It was a request made from a place of vulnerability. I felt so much discomfort. Was it too much to ask? Would she be annoyed?

However, the moment my friend arrived, all my fear dissolved. She didn't just bring dinner; she brought options, each carefully prepared and labeled. She seemed proud to present everything. She seemed happy to have been able to assist. I could see that in being vulnerable and receiving her help, I was also giving her a gift. It was so connecting!! Through this experience, I learned a profound lesson: receiving a gift and giving a gift are of equal value. That in acts of genuine kindness, the pleasure of giving can equal, if not surpass, the pleasure of receiving.

This encounter reinforced the notion that vulnerability and receptivity are not merely acts of surrender but powerful invitations for connection, fostering relationships where both giving and receiving are celebrated as mutual expressions of love and support.

SAYING “NO THANKS”

The profound lesson of giving and receiving came full circle during an encounter at the swimming pool. Observing a man struggling to manage a young baby and a distressed toddler, my empathy kicked in and I wanted to help. I offered to hold the baby so he could comfort his toddler. However, his response was a polite but firm "no, I've got this." This rejection, though gentle, left me feeling unexpectedly dejected. My genuine desire to assist was turned away, and I was left to watch him continue to struggle. I really WANTED to help and I felt disappointed he wouldn’t let me. Did he not trust me?

This experience shed light on what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a refusal. For so long, it had been me asserting my independence, declining offers of help with a "no thanks, I can manage." Standing there at the pool, I was confronted with the impact of such rejections—not just the missed opportunity for assistance, but the subtle message it sends about the value of the offer and the willingness of the giver.

Reflecting on this moment, I recognized the importance of being open to receiving help, not only for the practical benefits it brings but more importantly for the deeper connection it fosters.

FINDING OPPORTUNITIES TO RECEIVE

With a newfound appreciation for the dynamics of masculine and feminine energies and the depth of connection they foster, I went on a mission to look for opportunities to embrace receptivity wherever I could in my relationship. However, this proved to be a significant challenge to my ingrained desire for control. It meant resisting the urge to ask my partner if he remembered to pack the kids drink bottles , accepting the bed being made not quite to my standard, and expressing gratitude for the dishes done, overlooking those left on the bench. This was a deliberate choice of valuing intimacy over control, acknowledging that the perfection of household tasks was secondary to what I really wanted - warmth and closeness.

Embracing this shift was about more than just letting go; it was about consciously prioritizing intimacy, recognizing its paramount importance over every perfectly washed plate or neatly tucked bedsheet. Although the option to choose control was always there, I had come to understand that it came at the expense of intimacy. You simply cannot have both. By actively seeking opportunities to receive—and importantly, to thank my partner for his contributions rather than point out what was lacking—I noticed a profound increase in mutual respect. This respect, in turn, amplified the attraction between us. I saw a direct correlation between receptivity, respect, and desire within our relationship.

THE CHERRY ON TOP: FEMININITY AND PHYSICAL INTIMACY

In the past, the frequency and passion of sex served as my barometer for the health and success of my relationship. A lull in physical intimacy would send me spiraling into worries about my partner's attraction to me, prompting me to compensate by leaning heavily into my masculine energy to initiate sex so that I could prove that everything was ok.

Yet, in my masculine, my focus was centered entirely on his reactions rather than my own desires and feelings. This disconnect from my feminine essence blocked me from receiving pleasure, often inhibiting my ability to climax.

The realization that embracing my femininity could improve our physical connection led me to shift my approach. Instead of initiating from a place of masculine energy, I focused on cultivating respect and gratitude within the relationship. It worked. The more respect and appreciation I showed for my partner, the more attractive he seemed to me AND the more attractive I seemed to him. When I was more respectful, he was more eager to please - both in everyday tasks and within our intimate moments.

This was another powerful lesson: intimacy thrives not on the mechanics of sex alone but on the deeper connection of our masculine and feminine energies. By choosing to step back and receive, I attracted a more fulfilling, dynamic, and passionate connection. And it physically felt better!!! (I know right!?).

So! If you’ve got this far, you’ll know that my exploration of femininity has been a profound journey. Truly revealing the strength in vulnerability and the significance of receptivity.

Embracing femininity, particularly the art of receiving, relinquishing control, and understanding the delicate balance between masculine and feminine energies has been transformative - especially in my relationship. This exploration has taught me that true connection comes not from proving our independence but from opening ourselves to the love of others.

There is so much more to write on this topic but I hope this has given you some food for thought.
If you would like to say YES to embracing a more feminine approach, check out The Empowered Wife Workshop. A four week LIVE training where you’ll become an expert in The 6 Intimacy Skills™ and experience the powerful influence you have as the woman in your relationship.

For more on femininity within relationships, check out Laura’s Blog: How to Be Feminine and 10x More Attractive

Love,
Kayla

Faith over Fear: what I learnt from an experience with orgasm

Here is the amazingly incredible story from client “Hannah”.

Skill: Relinquishing Control 

Tool: Faith Over Fear

This story is about how Hannah's experience with orgasm. It taught me a lot about how fear can get in the way and what is possible if we can overcome it!

Hannah was in a loving relationship and enjoyed a healthy and fun sex life. However, she had not been able to achieve orgasm. Despite her exploration with men, and with herself, it hadn't happened.

Hannah felt like the only one in the world who wasn't having orgasms. It felt like all her friends could get there, and even in multiple ways. It felt like her boyfriend's past girlfriends had got there too. Yet here she was; stuck wondering what it would feel like to have one. They sounded so magical and so common! She even wondered whether perhaps she had in fact had one…had she just missed it? People always said to her “you'll know when you've had one”, so she was pretty sure that wasn't the case.

The disappointments often turned into resentment towards her friends and partner. She also started to fear that he was comparing her to past lovers. Was sex with her less fun because she couldn’t climax? 

Sometimes Hannah would find it easy to blame her partner. She would build stories in her head about him not making enough effort with her. If he would just do ‘this’ or ‘that’, maybe she would get there? 

Feeling frustrated and grasping for control, she sometimes picked arguments with her partner. There was one in particular which she deeply regretted. They ended up screaming at each other in the car “you make no effort! Don’t you know I need more foreplay?”. “It’s not my fault you’re broken,” he responded. Ouch. This tore Hannah down even more. She knew how important emotional safety was . She feared that this comment would prevent her ever getting there. 

Hannah was so disheartened and so convinced that orgasms weren't for her that she stopped trying altogether. She focused on her partner's pleasure during physical intimacy instead. She found it hard to receive, thinking ‘what’s the point’. Self pleasure was on the ‘waste of time’ list as well. It felt like a dead end.

Hannah got sick of going into physical intimacy ‘knowing’ that she wasn’t going to get there. Every time she and her partner were intimate, the story in her head would start up, “I’m not going to orgasm” - and she wouldn’t. She needed to do something and started to consider that maybe there was something physically wrong with her…perhaps she was just ‘broken’!?.

Wouldn’t that be easy. If she was physically broken, it could be fixed (emotional fixing seemed much harder!). She wondered about booking an appointment with the doctor. Would that mean she would get a diagnosis and get some kind of treatment? She started to have hope that going to the doctor would fix her problem. It was a scary thought as orgasms are a vulnerable subject and her doctor was a male. Craving the intimacy with her partner and armed with her strong desire to end the fear about never experiencing an orgasm in her life - she made the call.

Her appointment was one week away. She felt such relief to have it booked. The thought was planted in her mind - “next Wednesday I'll be fixed”. She started to get excited. New thoughts started streaming through her mind: ”from next week, I'll be able to orgasm with my partner!”. “Wow! I can't wait to  orgasm”. “This is going to be the start of the best sex life ever”. 

She even shared with her partner how excited she was getting. To have this problem fixed and able to have her first orgasm with him. Her whole energy around it moved from hopeless to hopeful. Her Faith about what the doctor could do for her completely eroded her Fear. This is the magical point -  but we'll come back to it.

The night before the appointment, Hannah and her partner were enjoying an evening together; one that included physical intimacy (PI). This time was different. This time she went into PI without her fear of ‘not having an orgasm’ because, in her mind, tomorrow it would be fixed.

The fear was completely gone.

Without it she was free to experience pleasure in the present moment. No control, no fear, no expectations. She was more open and receptive than she had ever been. She was free to receive. 

Well - I bet you can guess where the story is going! Yip! Surprise surprise, the night before her appointment with the Dr, she had her first orgasm. It took her by such surprise. Flooded with emotion, she even sent a group text to her friends - and her mum! -  in celebration. 

Hannah felt so smug when she called the doctor in the morning to cancel the appointment. She knew there was no going back as she now had the evidence she needed to stay focused on what she wanted. She COULD orgasm. She was NOT broken. It was here that Hannah got it. She saw that it was her own thoughts and fears that were blocking her from the experience she wanted the most. 

Now that she could see this connection, between her fear and her experience, she knew she was free. Orgasms would now flow easily and freely -  and they did. 

Observation: 

• Where was Hannah’s focus at the start of the story? 

• Can you see how, the more she focused there, the more it grew? 

• When she was stuck in fear, how did this affect how she showed up with her loving partner? 

• If a shift in mindset created such a physical/tangible change for Hannah, what could be possible for you?

Faith over Fear is a powerful tool. It requires belief that new possibilities and opportunities can become available when we open ourselves up to them - and the belief must be strong like Hannah’s. 

In Hannah's case, her faith was that she would be able to orgasm after the doctor's appointment. For me it was having faith that my partner could lead our family. Another client wanted to have faith that her husband loved her.

TOP TIP: 

When leaning into a new belief, I love to go ‘hawk-eye’ looking for evidence of it - anything I can find goes on a mental list. Any time I feel the control (fear) coming up, I think of this list and it helps me stay focused on what I want. 

I went from thinking that I had to be 'the boss’ to sitting back and allowing my partner to make big decisions for our family. I now have the experience I wanted, like Hannah. She has orgasms and I have a man that leads our family! 

Where would you like to switch your focus and put your faith? 

MAIN TAKEAWAY: 

Focusing on fear blocks us from the experience we want.
Focusing on faith in what we want can override that fear and open us to the experience. 

I hope you like this story as much as I do.

Journal prompts: 

• What experiences am I telling myself I can't have but deeply crave?

• What is it I am afraid of?

• What would the new experience look like? Feel like?

• Once I am in the new experience what will I have that I don't have now?

• What can I say to myself to align my thoughts and feelings to the experience I want?

If you would like to cultivate more faith in your vision, and say goodbye to fear in your relationship, check out The Empowered Wife Workshop. A four week LIVE training where you’ll become an expert in The 6 Intimacy Skills™ and experience the powerful influence you have as the woman in your relationship.

Drop a comment below or head on over to the contact page and let me know what’s coming up for you. I’d love to hear what you think!

New Blog Coming Soon - previous blogs are not specific to relationship coaching

All posts prior to this were written in my capacity as a Mindset Coach and are not specific to Relationship Coaching - those will be coming soon.

painting the future with the past

We all have dreams about what we’d like to create in our life -more freedom, more love, more friends, more money…and we have the potential to create all these things, but only if we stop investing our energy in the past and future and start investing it in the now.

I came up with a simple metaphor to help explain what I mean by this:

IMAGINE

Imagine you have painted you past with yellow paint but that you want to paint your future with blue. To do this, you will need to find some space to separate the colours and importantly, you’re going to have to clean the yellow off your brush.

If you can’t wash all the yellow off your brush, you’re going to end up with all shades of green instead (and there’s nothing wrong with green, unless you’re looking for blue). If you want to paint a NEW future, you need to stop painting with the colours of the past.

I’ve bounced around many themes since I became a coach but one that has always stuck is the idea of ‘taking responsibility’ for ourselves. That is what I mean by this metaphor. To me it’s about listening/looking for the triggers that we’re ‘painting with yellow’ and then drawing a line in the sand and saying ‘yes! I’m ready to change my course’ / start painting with blue.

Here are 3 questions to ask yourself:

• Can I say that I have no regrets about my past?

• Do I love who I am today?

• Do I feel excited about the future I am creating?
  
  Answered all NO? You’re painting with yellow
  A mix of YES and NO? You’re painting with green
  Answered all yes? You’re painting with blue

Here’s what I think it means to paint with yellow, green and blue, and some ideas about what you can do once you realise what’s on your brush.

How to know you’re painting with yellow? 

Your past is dictating your future. You’re trying to create a new future using old data (memories) and this is hard – almost impossible. For the brain to generate new thoughts that help you make new choices, it needs to be able to grasp new possibilities.

What to do: Visualize the changes you want to see (write, meditate, Pinterest). Close your eyes and immerse yourself into how you imagine life with these changes. What does it look like? What does it feel like? What will you be most grateful for when they all come to fruition? Fill your brain with these thoughts and images until your body starts to feel it. This is something that became so key for me after going to Joe Dispenza’s workshop. When we only intellectualise, we don’t give our bodies a chance to feel or essentially ‘believe’ the thoughts we’re thinking. Therefore, the old feelings (memories from the past) remain in control and the thought becomes almost redundant. This is why I try to encourage #gratitudefeels instead of gratitude lists! As soon as you can start feeling, you’ll start sending your brain and your body new data (fresh paint!). You may also want to consider The Clear Out.

How to know when you’re painting with green? 

You’re stuck in a blend of what you want for your future and what you’ve had in your past. The two are mixing together and you’ve lost your clarity. A lot of the time this happens because we don’t want to forget or regret the past – but we don’t have to!

What to do: List the things you’re holding on to from the past, then write three positives for each. What have you learnt? How have they shaped you? What are the opportunities? Creating a new future doesn’t mean we have to resent our past, to me the most important thing is finding acceptance. We can choose to take/hold on to the lessons as positives and accept the rest as part of our unique story. The story that has shaped who we are today and where we want to be.

How to know when you’re painting with blue? 

You're in the sweet spot that is creation mode! You feel like you’re in the flow! You understand that you have the power to create your future, you have found what it means to get present and the results/changes are coming.

What to do: Congratulate yourself. In creating space between you and your past you have freed yourself to create new, exciting and fulfilling experiences. Make the most of this space as it can come and go often. Enjoy!

While you’re at it, here is an affirmation to use as well:

Affirmations help us to engrain new ways of thinking. By saying something this to yourself every day, you’re literally training your brain to think this way.  

Create space to create change

good luck

e(arth)mail - invest your energy in the NOW

Imagine your whole life as a timeline from the day you were born right through to the day you are going to pass.

Now, if I gave you 100 tokens that represented your emotional energy, and I asked you to place them along the timeline wherever your attention is, how many tokens do you think you would have left to invest in the Now?

As James Redfield said, “where attention goes, energy flows” and the problem with that is that we humans have developed a worryingly strong tendency to invest our attention, and therefore our energy, anywhere except the present moment.

Why is the present moment important?
Because only in the present moment can thought become experience.

Our experience reflects our ability to squeeze the juice out of life! To express ourselves authentically and confidently, to build meaningful and fulfilling relationships, to be of service to others, to have appreciation and reverence for mother nature and to live with excitement and inspired purpose.

It’s about having energy available to accept the hard moments with ease and grace and the good times with awe and gratitude.

As we get older, we start to get hung up on the “what if’s”: the ‘what if this did/didn’t happen?’ which keeps us stuck in the past and the ‘what if this does/doesn’t happen?’ which keeps us stuck in the future. (Be aware that the gap between Now and the past is where depression resides and the gap between Now and the future is the home of anxiety so if you’re feeling either of those, start looking at where you are placing your attention). Once we realise this about ourselves, our goal must be to free energy from the past and future and instead, invest it in the Now.

Here are some simple suggestions on how to do that:

1.       Say an affirmation like this to yourself every morning: “when I am present, I am free to create the life I most want”

2.       Generate the FEELING of gratitude daily (making lists with the mind is not enough!)

3.       Visualisation to release the past: close your eyes and hold your hands out as an invisible bowl; fill your bowl with the memories that you know you need to let go of, good or bad; let them flow in and as you do, start to notice the weight of them in your hands; when you’re ready, throw them over your shoulder and say “I am free of my past”

4.       Get barefoot in nature, the negative charge of the earth will balance you

5.       Choose acceptance over resistance and move through life knowing that everything is all part of your own perfectly unique and beautiful story.

For support freeing yourself from your past, or clearing anxiety about the future, check out my Walk n Talk offering - one off coaching sessions in nature that help you find clarity, take responsibility, realign and come up with a plan of action to take you forward!

8 easy ways to invite nature into your everyday life

How to invite more connection with nature into your everyday life:

1. Swap lunch at your desk for lunch outside

2. Take your shoes off next time you're walking across a park

3. Swap your phone screen for the bus window

4. Spend some time alone in the water or bush and listen! You'll be surprised what you hear

5. Set your alarm 20 mins earlier than usual and take a stroll outside (even better if you can do this before 6am – when it’s nice and quiet!)

6. While you’re waiting for a friend, or a bus or a colleague, put the attention of all five senses onto something in nature. You will start to sense how still it is and in doing so, will invite the same stillness within you! (Inspired by Eckhart Tolle’s video from nature)

7. Joe Dispenza talks extensively about how the emotions we have in response to our environments shape our physical state (from our mood, through to our DNA). I recommend that everyone has a ‘place’ in nature that evokes feelings of joy, wonderment and awe. Having a clear knowing of this place makes it much easier for you to start applying the discipline to actually get there. Especially if your home or work environments do not spark that for you!

8. Check out the quick exercise below! 

STEP 1. Have a look out your window and choose one leaf, blade of grass or flower. Just one.

STEP 2. Stare at it for a second and then hold your awareness of it as you read through Step 3. 

STEP 3. While holding the awareness, consider the following questions:

how many sunrises and sunsets has it seen? | how many tides or storms? | how many times has a human stood on it or a bug chomped at it? | how many imperfections does it have? | does it need to shout to the other leaves to proclaim its importance? | does it need to bully other leaves and laugh at their imperfections? | is it standing there comparing itself to another? | is the fluffy flower wishing it was a blade of grass OR a blade of grass wishing it was a fluffy flower? 

Whatever you're observing, you should now be aware that without a mind, nature lives in a constant state of acceptance and beauty - no matter what its circumstance.

Remember that you’re made of the same ‘stuff’ as nature (you can read more about that here) which means that you to, can find that state.

Get Earthing!

Four important lessons from nature

We humans are complex organisms made of the same elements as the rest of nature: earth (our flesh and bones), water (our bloodstream), air (respiratory system) and fire (the heart beat that keeps us alive).

When we choose to accept, embrace and get consciously involved in our symbiotic relationship to nature, we can learn A LOT.  Here are four of nature’s lessons that I continue to learn from:

Lesson One: water the Tree, not the branch

Imagine you are a tree and each of your branches represents an area of your life such as your relationships, your career, our financial situation, your health etc. One day you notice that one of the branches is drooping/dying (ie. you are questioning your relationship, bored in your career or struggling with health issues). A simple question: Would you water the branch, or do you water the tree?

If you guessed the latter then great, you’ll understand where I’m going with this.

This is one of my favourite lessons from nature because it is simple, yet really empowering. It reminds us that to have healthy limbs (of life), we must look after our roots. By nurturing ourselves from the inside out, from our core, we are in a healthier and happier position to support our “life limbs”; we are in a better position to flourish.  

Too often we fall into the trap of the quick fix. We start the diet, we end a relationship, we quit out job, only to find that in time, the weight is back on and the next relationship (and job) has the same issues. This approach is as silly as watering the end of the branch. We start to feel like the world is against us, like we can’t get anything right, like we have “bad luck” but we don’t – the common denominator is us.

Just like with plants, there are so many ways that we can ‘water the tree’. Some like one big water once a week, others like to be watered a little every day. It’s trial and error until you find that your tree has found its groove, and this is what we must do too. Figure out our watering strategy – and stick to it!

for example: One day I was feeling really overwhelmed. My finances were stressing me out, my relationship was stressing me out, I had too many decisions to make at once and I felt like everything was caving in around me. I was stressed, anxious and over-thinking everything. I was stuck. The logical me would have dove into lists – pros, cons, priorities etc. but I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to do that rationally because I was so agitated. So instead, I ignored all my deadlines, all my decisions, I diverted my responsibilities and I went to the beach. I knew underneath everything else that a trip to the water’s edge, where I could put everything behind me and nothing but the horizon in front of me, would be what was needed to ‘water my tree’. And it was; after a couple of days at the beach, by myself, filling my days with swims and barefoot walks along the sand cleared my head and centered me again. From that place of alignment, all of the looming decisions I had to make suddenly seemed simple. In other words, by knowing my ‘watering strategy’, I was able to move towards solutions for all my problems at once.

Lesson Two: get beyond the mind

Did you know that we are made from the same chemical building blocks as plants? 

There are very obvious differences between plants and animals but on a chemical level, everything is the same. Yup! Plants, animals and humans are all made up of chemical building blocks called nucleotides. The only difference is the way these chemicals are arranged in the DNA of an organism, which essentially determines whether it will grow a thin stalk with a white fluffy flower on top, or two legs and a human head. 

For this reason, I find observing the behaviour of plants (especially trees!) in nature gives us an incredible example for how we should strive to behave as humans in our environment. Do you see trees comparing themselves to another? Crying if one of their leaves has a hole in it? Resisting rain and complaining that the sun’s not out? Nope - their presence is omnipresent - they just are as they are and there’s a beauty and a peace in that.

Obviously, as humans, we have a much higher consciousness than plants. We have an organ called a brain, we have an invisible force that we call the mind and we have a guide that observes the mind.

Whether you call that guide your 'higher self', 'higher consciousness', 'authentic self' your 'soul' or what - this is the guide who has the ability to control your mind and make sure it's working in your favour. The problem is that we seem to have lost connection with our guide, and our minds are running rampant!!

Why do we need to go beyond the mind? Because it is fear-based, and it can often hold us back.

The mind is a powerful tool, but it is wired for survival in a world that is (for most of our privileged selves) now very easy to survive in.

We have reached a time where, to literally survive as a species, we need to be more connected and more obedient to our higher selves. This is how we equip ourselves with the power to override our fear-based minds and start to explore our true potential. Nature is a gateway for this. 

By observing plants - and I mean getting really weird and literally taking time to stare at them - we start to experience the bliss with which they exist in the absence of a mind and we can start to understand the difference of being stuck in the mind, and then going beyond it.

An affirmation to help you remember to connect with nature:
"THROUGH NATURE, I CAN CONNECT TO MY HIGHER SELF"

Lesson Three: how to find stillness 

Inspired by Eckhart Tolle and The Power of Now, I set out to learn how to ‘hear silence’. I learnt to do this while being in nature and it has since been a tool that I use to find calm, even in the most busy situations.

In order to hear silence, we must be incredibly alert and dial our ears up for acute hearing. What you’re listening for, is the silence beyond or between the sounds. Once you find it, you realise the magnificence of it. There is a permanent blanket of stillness, an unwavering presence beyond everything and anything that is happening in this world. Not only that, but you can feel its vastness - where does this silence extend to? I can’t even fathom.

Listening out for this silence within nature helps us to connect to its stillness and when we do this, we invite the same stillness within ourselves.

Click here for a reading meditation that guides you to the sound of silence.

Lesson Four: consciously choose your reaction to an environment

When flora and fauna are exposed to new environments, for example different temperatures or threats, they change to adapt and survive. Literally, the DNA of plants changes so that future generations of that plant will have a better chance at survival.

In Joe Dispenza’s blog: The Nature of Nurture and the Nurture of Nature, he talks about scientific experiments that were done to mimic new environments to trigger genetic changes in animals (in these cases worms and rats).

Once the changes in their DNA could be measured, the animals were then taken back to the original environment yet the DNA remained the same - as if it were still the new environment - and it remained for 14 generations!

The point of his blog was to explain that the impact we let our environment have on us, can cause physical changes to our DNA that we pass on to our children, our children’s children etc. In turn, we are also carrying the physical imprint of generations before us. Adds a little more accountability doesn’t it!?

Another important way of looking at it, is that essentially we have the power to shape our DNA by consciously choosing how we respond to our environments. We therefore have a responsibility to a) learn how to go beyond our minds while we are in environments that test us and b) put ourselves in environments that we know will generate the feelings that we want to experience most. For me, these environments and the natural environments (beach and bush being my go-to’s) which help me to find clarity, calm, inspiration, freedom and empowerment - qualities I certainly wouldn’t mind passing on to my (incoming) child!

These found lessons have helped me to find a calm that I didn’t even know I was missing. They have helped me to access a deep knowing that I have everything I need within me, just as nature does. I have found them to be empowering, inspiring and, I would say transformative and I hope that there are the same for you!

Lastly…the above can also be a bit useless if it’s not put into practice so with that in mind, check out my short blog 8 easy ways to invite nature into your everyday life.

Love to hear your thoughts on these lessons (or any stories you have about your own lessons from nature!).
Please share in the comments below so that we can connect.