The Freedom to Relax: Letting Go of Worry and Choosing Connection Instead

Dropping in as I sit on a train on my way back from a day trip with Andrew and the kids to a city called Regensburg.

I'm here, reflecting on the light load of anxiety in my body as the kids wriggle around and follow each other up and down the aisles while Andrew sits, relaxed, reading a book... Here's my train of thought:

Why do I have to take on this load?

Why don't I get to relax?

Could I relax?

What would happen if I let go?

Why am I in control mode?

I must be scared of something...

What is it?

Boom.

— what others will think —

There it is.

I'm afraid that others will think my kids are too loud or disrespectful. But are they? No! In fact, people enjoy them... Does Andrew check out because he's a useless dad and partner? This would have been my conclusion in the past. I would have stopped there, blamed him, and avoided any self-reflection or responsibility. But now I see he checks out because he doesn’t care what others think! To an extent, of course.

He's not afraid of the kids saying hi to strangers reading books.

He's not afraid of a bit of laughing and giggling.

He's not afraid of them tripping over as the train accelerates or brakes ("they will learn").

And because he's not afraid, he's not being controlling.

Ahhh, the link. It's so obvious when you look, but you have to know what you're looking for!

Knowing the link between fear and control is one of the best foundations within the skills. I am so grateful to have these simple tools to help me reflect when things feel icky.

Sometimes the solutions are so simple!

The other thing you'll notice in this scenario is that the skills keep me on my paper. Instead of bathing in the warm bath of resentment, blame, and judgment—not to mention the martyr complex (you just sit right there with your book, I'll take care of everything)—I'm on my paper, reflecting and looking for the path back to intimacy (in this case, clearing my energy field from "you are such an a*sehole" to "what can I do to show up dignified and relaxed?").

So here is my solution:

1. Chill out. I don't have to worry so much about what others think (suddenly, the anxiety lifts).

2. Let a little bit of gratitude land for Andrew's chilled-out (but still responsible) approach to parenting.

3. Ask myself, "How do I feel?" and "What do I want?" I'm tired; I just want to relax and let my kids tune out with some screen time. So, they're watching National Geographic, and I'm capturing this little reflection in case it helps someone else.

Let me know if this resonates! DM me on Instagram @kayla_greenville

With love,

Kayla