How Letting Go of Control Got Me More Help
Have you ever felt like you’re carrying the entire load in your household?
I’ve been there, too. For a long time, I thought I was just being helpful, organized, and efficient. I was managing everything—kids, the house, our schedule—and I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it. But what I didn’t realize was that my need to control everything was actually driving a wedge between my partner and me, and it was slowly eroding the intimacy and connection in our relationship.
The Moment of Realization
One morning, I was lying in bed, enjoying a rare sleep-in, when my partner, Andrew, came in to ask me if he should put a jumper on our youngest son, Bowen. I remember feeling a rush of irritation and disappointment. “Does he really need to ask me about this?” I thought. I hadn’t even seen the weather that day! But then, another thought hit me—one that changed everything: “Wow, look what I’ve created here. I’m so controlling that Andrew feels he can’t make a simple decision without checking with me first.”
This realization was like a punch in the gut. I suddenly saw how my controlling behavior had created a dynamic where Andrew felt he needed my approval for everything. It wasn’t just about the jumper—it was about the underlying control I had over our entire relationship. I was acting like a manager, and he had started to act like an employee, going along with whatever I said to avoid conflict.
The Cost of Control
At that moment, I understood the cost of my controlling behavior. It wasn’t just about making decisions for our kids or managing the household—it was about the overall dynamic in our relationship. I was unknowingly sending the message that Andrew wasn’t capable, that he couldn’t make decisions without my input, and that he wasn’t good enough. This wasn’t just unattractive—it was damaging our connection.
For a long time, I thought I was just being organized and helpful. I was great at managing things—a lot of women are! We’re amazing multi-taskers, emotionally intelligent, and able to handle a lot. But when we transfer that control onto our partners, it can become a relationship killer. The more I controlled, the less initiative Andrew took, and the more I felt like I had to manage everything.
The Shift: Letting Go of Control
Realizing this, I knew something had to change. I started to focus on relinquishing control and letting Andrew take responsibility for the things I had always managed. At first, it wasn’t easy. I had to bite my tongue and stop myself from offering uninvited opinions or critiques. But as I let go, something amazing happened—Andrew started to step up.
He began to take more initiative, making decisions without checking in with me, and I started to feel more supported and appreciated. Our relationship became more relaxed, playful, and connected. I went from feeling like the manager of our household to feeling like an equal partner in our relationship. The dynamic shifted, and with it, our connection deepened.
The Benefits of Letting Go
One of the most powerful tools I learned during this process was the simple phrase, “Whatever you think.” Whenever Andrew asked me a question about something he could easily decide, I’d respond with, “Whatever you think.” This phrase helped me step back and trust him to make decisions. It sent the message that I believed in his capabilities and that I trusted him to take care of things.
As I continued to let go of control, I noticed a profound change in our relationship:
Increased Support: Andrew started to take on more responsibilities without needing my input, and I felt more supported.
Improved Communication: Without the constant need to manage everything, our communication became cleaner and more respectful.
Deeper Connection: With the controlling energy gone, there was more space for intimacy, playfulness, and genuine connection.
A Personal Story of Transformation
One of the most memorable moments of this transformation was when Andrew planned a surprise weekend away for our family. In the past, I might have jumped in with suggestions or tried to change the plan. But this time, I let go. I simply said, “That would be great,” and let him handle everything. The weekend was wonderful, and I realized how much I had been blocking by trying to control everything. By letting go, I received more than I ever expected—a beautiful, spontaneous weekend with my family and a deeper sense of gratitude for my partner.
Conclusion
Control can be a sneaky, insidious force in our relationships, often disguised as helpfulness or organization. But by recognizing it and actively working to let it go, we can transform our relationships in profound ways. When we create space for our partners to step up, we open the door to more support, deeper connection, and a more fulfilling partnership.
If you see yourself in any of my stories, know that change is possible. Start with small steps, like using the phrase, “Whatever you think,” and watch how your relationship transforms. Remember, relinquishing control isn’t about giving up power—it’s about creating space for mutual respect, trust, and intimacy.
If you’re ready to dive deeper into these concepts and transform your relationship, consider joining my four-week workshop where we explore control and other dynamics that can either strengthen or weaken our partnerships. You’ll learn practical tools to let go of control, build connection, and create the relationship you’ve always wanted.
Thank you for joining me today. I hope this inspires you to create positive changes in your own relationship. I’d love to hear about your experiences, so feel free to reach out and share your stories.