Whose Paper Are You On? How to Cultivate Respect in Your Relationship

In this blog post, I want to dive into a transformative concept that has profoundly impacted my relationship: "staying on your own paper." This idea has helped restore connection, build a more vibrant partnership, and most importantly, has empowered me to become a respectful partner. I'll share personal stories and insights to illustrate the power of this concept and how it can change your relationship dynamic.

The Concept of "Staying on Your Own Paper"

The idea of “staying on your own paper” comes from Laura Doyle’s book, The Empowered Wife. It falls under the skill of respect, one of the six intimacy skills Doyle discusses. Initially, I didn’t quite understand how it applied to relationships. But as I experimented with the intimacy skills, its significance became clear. Staying on your own paper means focusing on your own actions, feelings, and desires, rather than trying to control or manage your partner’s.

Getting Off Your Partner’s Paper

To me, staying on your own paper has two facets:

  1. getting off your partner's paper; and

  2. refocusing on your own.

At first, I thought I was making progress simply by letting go of what my partner was doing or not doing. While this did improve our relationship, I realized my own paper felt blank. I had spent so much time on others’ papers that I didn’t recognize my own. Hence realizing that there was a second stage to this concept when it came to becoming a respectful partner.

From morning until night, 90% of my energy was focused on others—whether it was parenting or micromanaging, critiquing, or solving problems that weren’t mine. Here are some examples of how I crushed intimacy by being off my paper:

  1. Judging His Actions: Rolling my eyes at him in a restaurant when he called the waiter back to change his order. Instead of creating tension, I could simply enjoy my time.

  2. Micromanaging: Being hyper-aware of his process for getting ready to go somewhere and commenting on it. Instead, I could focus on my own preparation and relax.

  3. Controlling Conversations: Steering conversations at events to topics he liked or re-explaining something he said. Instead, I could build my own relationships and trust him to handle his.

The Impact of Staying on My Own Paper

Now that I’ve embarrassed myself with examples of being off my paper, let’s talk about what it means to be on my paper. Staying on my paper means consciously thinking about who I am, what I want, what I’m doing, and how I’m feeling. Initially, these questions felt foreign to me because I had been so consumed by what others were doing.

By catching myself and flipping my thoughts, I started to refocus on my own paper. When I wondered how my partner was feeling or responding, I would ask myself: How do I feel? What do I want? What do I need? This shift has been empowering. It gives me control and options, allowing me to move forward, express desires, create change, and practice self-care.

Visualizing My Paper

I visualize my paper as a colorful watercolour painting my four-year-old son did. He fills the entire sheet with colours, somehow avoiding the dreaded brown that comes from mixing the wrong colours together. This is my goal for my paper—to be filled with self-care and respect. When I stray, I visualize a pooy brown smudge on my painting and know it’s time to clean it up, often with an apology.

Examples of Positive Changes

Here are some ways staying on my own paper has improved my relationship:

  1. Career Confidence: Previously, I meddled in my partner’s career decisions, creating uncertainty. Now, I offer support from a place of trust, allowing him to gain clarity and confidence.

  2. Physical Intimacy: Focusing on my own feelings and desires has made our physical relationship more fulfilling and pleasurable.

  3. Parenting: By focusing on my own actions and desires, I’ve reduced stress and tension during bedtime, creating a more peaceful environment.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this blog post, you might love the podcast episode on this very topic, where I dive into even more stories and examples—some of which are quite funny! Tune in to hear about my experiences and how staying on my own paper has transformed my relationship.

Want to learn more about cultivating respect in your relationship? Check out The Empowered Wife Workshop. A four week LIVE training where you’ll become an expert in The 6 Intimacy Skills™ and experience the powerful influence you have as the woman in your relationship.

Until next time, enjoy life on your paper!

Kayla Greenville