How to Embrace the Power you have as the Woman in your Relationship
Have you ever heard the saying, "Happy wife, happy life"? It's a phrase we see everywhere—on cards, wall art, and calendars. At first, I thought it was just a candid joke about making women happy. But over the years, observing my own relationship and working with my clients, I've realized there's a profound truth to it.
As women, the way we show up as partners, mothers, and individuals has a direct and strong correlation with the way our partners show up and with the overall energy in our homes. When I’m filled up with self-care, respect, and going with the flow, Andrew shows up playful, flirty, and attentive. He’s attracted to me! But when I’m irritated, naggy, and complaining, he becomes distant and defensive.
So why is this the case, and why is it useful to understand?
The first point I want to make is that our men are far more invested in our happiness than we might think.
My partner has bad days too, and it’s not always because of me that he’s distant or defensive. These used to be really triggering for me. If he was in a bad mood, I would often slump into one too. But with the skills I have now, I can stay on my own paper, and my mood is mostly independent of his. I can stay happy even when he's in a bad mood. I can give him space, do some self-care, and be there when he’s ready.
It doesn't feel the same the other way around. Andrew can’t seem to stay happy when I'm not happy. It truly feels like my happiness is really important to him.
Men Care Deeply About Our Happiness!
Laura Doyle, my relationship mentor, has interviewed thousands of men, and they all say the same thing: their partner’s happiness is imperative and the most important thing to them. So my theory is that while we can detach from their moods, the opposite isn't as true. If I'm not happy, it’s very hard for my partner to be happy.
Just this weekend, I was in what I call my “lighthouse mode,” feeling happy and filled up. I misunderstood Andrew, thinking he was taking the kids rock climbing without me. When he realized I thought we were going separate ways for the afternoon, he seemed sad! He wanted me to come. It's a wonderful feeling when your partner wants to spend time with you and be happy with you, much nicer than feeling like he's always trying to be somewhere else.
When I’m irritable, grumpy, and unhappy, my whole house feels it. Every little thing annoys me. I snap at my kids and am less tolerant. For example, if I’m a bit down, I might walk into a room and suddenly the mess is unbearable. This reaction stems from my internal unhappiness. I project my need for control onto the environment, turning into a "psycho cleaning lady." This isn't fun, attractive, or how I want to show up. If I die tomorrow, that’s not the memory I want my kids and partner to have of me.
When I’m like this, Andrew avoids me, gravitates to the kids, and sometimes even takes them away because he can see I need space. But the energy in our home becomes one of "let’s get away from Mum, she’s not happy."
The opposite is true as well. When I’ve taken care of myself—perhaps returning from a run, doing yoga, or just any activity that fills me up—I’m happy and walk into a room with a smile. My kids are drawn to me, and I’m not irritated by the mess because I’m focused on being present and playful. I imagine myself as a lighthouse of fun and happiness. I want my kids and my partner to want to be around me.
FUN FACT
In most species, it’s the females who are the most attractive. Certainly with humans, we’re all attracted to the beauty of women. But to me, even the most beautiful woman in the world isn’t as beautiful when she’s in a bad mood. I think what attracts us most is not the physical features but the happiness that radiates from a person.
I’ve found it’s the same within relationships. Men gravitate to happy women, and naturally want to spend more time with us (those of you with daughters may notice that your partner responds differently to them than you and often it is because of the unconditional love and respect they have for their dads!). They naturally want to do things that make a happy woman (or girl) even happier. They’re motivated to make us happy when we’re making ourselves happy. I read this in Laura’s book, but I didn’t really believe it until it started to come true at my house. It’s an AMAZING cycle to be in—and it started when I realized how much influence I had. It started with me taking responsibility for the impact I had on my home—taking responsibility for my happiness.
HERE WE ARE AT SELF CARE AGAIN
This is the Self-Care Skill. And it is a skill!! It is really hard, especially as a mother, to make self-care a priority any day. It's even harder to make it a consistent priority. It's not easy, but it's the most important skill; it’s the foundational skill. Everything else can flow when we're winning with self-care.
The Ripple Effect on our Family:
For those of you who have kids, this just goes to another level. When I walk into a room, my kids pick up immediately on my mood. They are incredibly intuitive and perceptive. When I started taking my power as a woman in my home seriously, prioritizing my self-care, and making sure I was showing up in a way that I was proud of, the culture of our home became so much more fun. When I'm filled up, I'm more likely to get on the floor and play emergency with my boys, more likely to spin them around or play fight, more likely to leave the dishes and take them outside. Frankly, I'm a better mum when I’m consistent with self-care.
Not only that, but they are also learning about relationships by watching Andrew and I. Since I started taking responsibility for my happiness and changing the tone in my home, they have seen changes in me, in Andrew, and in the way we interact.
When I was unhappy, I felt like he was always trying to be somewhere else, like he always had somewhere else to be. My kids would have felt that, you know? But now we are so much happier as a family. I know now how influential I am as a woman, partner, and mother. I take that influence really seriously and use it to motivate myself when it comes to self-care.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?
So if you think you don't have time for self-care or it's not the best use of your time, or you think that your partner is the problem or your kids are hard, I really invite you to embrace this idea that you are a powerful force. The people around you want you to be happy. The people around you are happier when you are happy. You can't hide your unhappiness from the men or the children in your life—they're feeling it, and they care. If you can get back on track with self-care and become a happy, fun version of yourself that you're proud to be, I bet the whole vibe in your household will shift.
So what do you need to do?
What are three things you can do today to feel happier?
What are three things you can do tomorrow?
Can you get yourself to a place where your happiness is at the top of the to-do list—ahead of household chores, work, and what your boss needs?
I invite you to truly commit to self-care for one week.
Try this out because once you witness how powerful you are, you will have so much more motivation to make consistent self-care a way of life.
Your influence as a woman in your home is powerful beyond measure. I truly believe that a happy woman is the most powerful force in the world. Happy wife, happy life. Happy parents, happy kids. Happy kids, happy future generations. By being mindful of the energy you bring, you can transform the atmosphere in your relationship, in your home and in the world!
Remember, it's not about being perfect. We all have our moments of frustration and imperfection. What's important is the intention and effort to bring our best selves to our relationships, to learn and grow from our experiences, and to create a positive and nurturing environment for our loved ones by creating a positive and nurturing environment for ourselves.
Thank you so much for joining me on this journey. If you enjoyed this blog post and want more insights, head over to my podcast, Love Unlocked, for the full episode.
Sending so much love,
Kayla