The One Question That Can Transform Respect in Your Relationship

Written By Kayla Greenville

Respect is often seen as the cornerstone of a healthy, connected relationship — but what happens when you wake up one day and realize you don’t actually feel much respect for your partner?

I know that feeling.

There was a time when I didn’t like how my partner approached life. I didn’t like how he parented. And I certainly didn’t like how he approached our relationship. He felt inefficient, annoying, and frankly, like he lacked initiative. And I remember thinking: how are you supposed to respect someone like that?

Here’s the good news: Respect can come back.
And it doesn’t start by fixing him.
It starts by examining our own perspective.

Are You Expecting the Best or the Worst?

This question became a real turning point for me.
I noticed that I was frequently anticipating my partner’s shortcomings — expecting him to forget tasks, to be late, or to miss the mark in various ways.

And when he did, it validated my expectations. It reinforced a cycle of disappointment, frustration, and ultimately, disrespect. It made me feel like, “I don’t have to change. He’s the problem.”

But here’s what I’ve learned, both through personal experience and through the work of experts like Laura Doyle and Dr. John Gottman:

Laura Doyle puts it simply:
“Respect is the best aphrodisiac for men. So if it’s gone missing completely, start with that one. You can’t have passion without oxygen.”
(Source: Laura Doyle blog)

By focusing on our partner’s positive qualities and actions, we create a foundation of respect and appreciation.
Even small gestures of acknowledgment — like saying “I hear you” when your partner shares something — can convey respect and validation, fostering deeper connection.
(Source: Laura Doyle blog)

Gottman’s research backs this up, showing that contempt (the opposite of respect) is one of the biggest predictors of relationship breakdown.
But when couples nurture fondness and admiration, they reinforce a positive cycle that builds trust and deepens intimacy.
(Source: The Four Horsemen – Gottman)

Shifting Your Perspective

Changing the lens through which we view our partner can have profound effects.

When I began to expect the best from my partner, I started noticing his thoughtful actions — like putting away my bike without being asked or remembering small details that mattered to me.
These observations weren’t about overlooking flaws but about recognizing and appreciating the positive contributions he was already making.

This shift aligns with Doyle’s principle of “turning toward” your partner, which involves acknowledging and responding to bids for connection.
By doing so, we reinforce a positive cycle of interaction, enhancing intimacy and mutual respect.

Practical Steps to Cultivate Respect

  • Monitor Your Expectations
    Be mindful of whether you’re anticipating positive or negative behaviors from your partner.

  • Acknowledge the Positive
    Make it a habit to recognize and express appreciation for your partner’s efforts, no matter how small.

  • Reflect on Your Reactions
    Consider how your responses might be influencing the dynamic of respect in your relationship.

By implementing these steps, you create an environment where respect can flourish, leading to a more connected and fulfilling relationship.

Your Invitation

If you’re interested in exploring these concepts further and discovering how to apply them in your own relationship, I invite you to learn more about the Love Unlocked 100-day relationship reset.

Remember, the journey to a more respectful and loving relationship often starts with a single, transformative question:

Are you expecting the best or the worst?

References

Kayla Greenville
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