FROM COMPLAINTS TO DESIRES
From Complaint to Desire: How to transform the way we communicate.
Not long ago, a beautiful woman in one of our group calls said something I could deeply relate to:
“I feel like I can’t say anything anymore. I don’t want to complain, I don’t want to sound needy… but then I stay quiet and nothing changes.”
I’ve been there.
For years, I thought I was being helpful, responsible, efficient. But underneath my to-do list was a quiet hum of resentment. My complaints weren’t dramatic, just woven into the fabric of my day, slipping out in sighs, inner dialogue or sarcastic remarks.
“Why am I the only one who notices the dishes piling up?”
“If I don’t book the appointments, no one will.”
“He gets to focus on his work like it’s life-or-death. I can’t even pee without being interrupted.”
“Why is it always me trying to reconnect? Trying to talk things out? Trying at all?”
“I don’t even like my job anymore.”
That last one came from a client, who brought it to a call recently. She’d been carrying it quietly, thinking there was nothing she could do about it. But when we gently explored what she might want instead, her whole posture shifted.
Desire Brings Us Back to Ourselves
When she flipped her complaint into a desire, it sounded like this:
“I’d love a job that feels meaningful.”
“I’d love to feel excited to start my workday.”
“I’d love to explore what else might be possible for me.”
That’s the beauty of desire. It doesn’t necessarily mean you make a big life change tomorrow. It just means you stop hiding from yourself.
My Own Wake-Up Call (In German)
I had a moment like this myself when we were living in Germany.
Every few days, I’d complain about living in a country where I couldn’t speak the language or read any signs in the supermarket. It felt heavy, frustrating and I also felt like a victim. I would complain to my husband about how hard it was. Feeling a little resentment that we were there for his work.
Until one day, I got coached on desires.
What if I flipped it? What was the desire hiding underneath my complaint?
“I would love to learn German. I’d love to feel more confident ordering food, or chatting with someone at the park. I’d love to understand the language of the place we’re living.”
Suddenly, it felt different. Inviting. Empowered. Mine. I had options. I was in possibility!
Nothing external had changed. But my energy had.
And energy is everything. I actually never learnt the language! But opening the possibility that I could was enough to calm me and dissolve the complaint. Whether we act on our desires or not, getting in touch with them is so powerful.
Here’s why:
When we live in complaint, we often feel powerless.
When we shift into desire, we remember our agency.
It’s not about pretending everything is fine. It’s about getting honest about what you want—and allowing that to lead the way.
Desire is how we get back on our own paper.
It’s how we trade control for influence.
Blame for ownership.
And resignation for possibility.
Try It Today
Take a complaint that’s been swirling in your mind (something about your partner, your kids, your work, or your life) and gently flip it.
Instead of:
“I don’t like my job.”
Try:
“I’d love to feel lit up by my work.”
Instead of:
“He never plans anything for us.”
Try:
“I’d love to feel surprised and special.”
Instead of:
“I should really start eating healthier.”
Try:
“I’d love to feel nourished and vibrant.”
You don’t have to act on it today. Just start speaking in the language of what’s possible. That’s where the spark lives.
What Would You Love?
If your inner voice has been sounding more like a checklist than a love note, you’re not alone.
But the next time a complaint rises in your chest, pause and ask yourself:
“What would I love instead?”
That one question has the power to reconnect you with the woman you want to be, and the relationship you want to create.
You don’t need to get it perfect. You just need to start.